Mariposa Kisses (aka Dianne's Blog)

Your goodness is real Lord. I know it is. And yet on this day as we approach the celebration of your birth, I struggle with the authenticity of the baby figure lying in the manger. Are you real? Yes, definitely. And yet something holds me back from truly believing. Even though I put my faith in you almost twenty years ago, I feel these pangs of doubt holding me back. I’m sorry for the weakness of my faith. I pray that you would take the infinitesimal mustard seed of faith that I possess and multiply it into a prosperous tree with fruit, which would honor you and express the glory due your name. I’m held back by the supernatural reality of the godhead, three in one, and your son being a baby, just like my precious little babies that you have given to me. I believe in miracles, I’ve even experienced some in my humble life thus far. But, it’s hard for me to fathom the reality of such a simple child coming… were his genes beyond comprehension? What did his chromosomes look like? Were they different than mankind’s genetic composition today? Did he truly never sin, even as a tiny boy? With other siblings around, did he never get upset or pummel his brother over some silly dispute? Or should I say, did you never do anything wrong?

And I think the struggle I have in my weak faith is to grasp your total goodness while observing all the pain and hurt around me and in my own life thus far. Your total goodness allows people to choose between right and wrong, thereby allowing for immoral acts to occur. The child that is sexually abused must pay the price for humanity to receive your goodness. The aborted baby must pay the price for your goodness, so that his mother can demonstrate her free will. The father that abandons his family for another woman expresses his free will, so that your goodness can be evidenced in his life. All the suffering in the world makes it hard to regard this little baby, swaddled in first century cloths, as trustworthy. I want to believe it Lord. My head and my heart are at war over your trustworthiness. I want to be healed from my own hurts and feel that it really is possible to find the peace for which you are the prince of. I want to believe with my whole heart and mind that you are who you say you are and that you are truly good; however, if I am honest, I must confess to you my doubting heart. This Christmas, will you work in my heart and meet me where I am at? Will you show me that you, little baby Jesus, are trustworthy and that you are doing a work of completion in my heart? I give you all that I am; I offer to you what I am not and what I want to be. I surrender my whole heart to you. Happy Birthday Baby Jesus!

Amen!