Monday, May 11, 2009
Super-Moms
As moms, we wear our game faces a lot. We do it because we feel we have to. We carry the weight of everyone else's burdens on our own shoulders, assuming, "If I don't do it, then who will?" Likewise, we wear a cape of protection around ourselves, so that we appear as if we can do it all. When other people see us, they assume, "Wow, she's amazing, I wish I could do it all like she does." The cape makes us feel super duper, so we put up our guards and we don't let others in. The problem with wearing the super-cape is that it limits the depth of our relationships. When one mom sees a super-mom, she thinks, "Well, I can't let her know what I'm really like because then she won't think I'm very great." This in turn hinders certain kinds of friendships, the deeper ones.
Likewise, super-moms feel they have to be tough all the time, carrying the world on their shoulders like Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged book cover. The truth is that no-one can carry the world besides God, and even He rested on the seventh day. When you are weak, you should just be weak. When you are struggling with your spouse, just be honest about it. If you are feeling like your kids are little nut-balls and you need a long vacation on an island all by yourself, call a close friend and talk about it. If your debts are overwhelming you and you just can't keep up with the Smiths anymore, then stop trying so hard. Let the image of perfectionism melt away so that you can get back to living life. You can't hold it all together by pretending; you will eventually tucker out.
When we wear our super-mom capes, we forget to be vulnerable with other moms. This makes us appear invincible but really makes us the exact opposite. A true friendship means you are there for each other during celebratory times and during trials. Recently a neighbor and I were chatting while the kids played out front. We connected emotionally over the loss of a friendship of hers, for the husband had passed away and the wife and kids had subsequently moved to another state. I comforted her while she shed gentle tears of sadness. We also talked about her mom who had passed away a few years back. Not too long ago, I shed tears with this same friend, tears of exhaustion and frustration over feeling like a failure as a parent. She listened and listened some more and reminded me of how no parent is perfect. The result was a stronger friendship for both of us. I know it because we had both taken off our super-mom capes.
Friends are real. Friends hear the good stuff, the bad stuff, and the in between. They love you through it all. If we want to strengthen our friendships with other moms, then we need to start out by being more real. We can't hold it all together and wear a mask that doesn't reflect who we authentically are, that is, without paying a very high price. The price of being fake is that we will be lonely women. We may have a list of networking acquaintances. Maybe we even have a bunch of gym class buddies that we wave to a few times a week; however, we will be lacking the core group needed for getting through most of life. Good friends know you on the inside and out. They value you just for being you.
It makes me think of the Winnie the Pooh friends. Rabbit is a grump, but his friends still value him. Eeyore is pessimistic and pensive, but his friends accept him for who he is. Tigger is the bounciest of all, but even Rabbit learns to love him with his bounces even more than without them. Piglet is timid and scared, but with his friends' help, he too can be brave like the rest of the clan. Owl is ostentatious and prideful, but his friends take him as wise. Kanga is strong and trusting and she helps hold them all together under Christopher Robin's great leadership. Little Roo is brave and adventurous and even when the rest of the gang treats him like he's too little to participate in the Heffalump Expedition, he forgives them. These are traits we need to have with our own friends: acceptance, trust, and forgiveness. We need to make sure we stick together and that we truly get to know one another. If you're friends with a super-mom, you can start by taking off your own cape and mask; when she sees that you're being real with her, maybe she'll do the same with you in return.
Likewise, super-moms feel they have to be tough all the time, carrying the world on their shoulders like Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged book cover. The truth is that no-one can carry the world besides God, and even He rested on the seventh day. When you are weak, you should just be weak. When you are struggling with your spouse, just be honest about it. If you are feeling like your kids are little nut-balls and you need a long vacation on an island all by yourself, call a close friend and talk about it. If your debts are overwhelming you and you just can't keep up with the Smiths anymore, then stop trying so hard. Let the image of perfectionism melt away so that you can get back to living life. You can't hold it all together by pretending; you will eventually tucker out.
When we wear our super-mom capes, we forget to be vulnerable with other moms. This makes us appear invincible but really makes us the exact opposite. A true friendship means you are there for each other during celebratory times and during trials. Recently a neighbor and I were chatting while the kids played out front. We connected emotionally over the loss of a friendship of hers, for the husband had passed away and the wife and kids had subsequently moved to another state. I comforted her while she shed gentle tears of sadness. We also talked about her mom who had passed away a few years back. Not too long ago, I shed tears with this same friend, tears of exhaustion and frustration over feeling like a failure as a parent. She listened and listened some more and reminded me of how no parent is perfect. The result was a stronger friendship for both of us. I know it because we had both taken off our super-mom capes.
Friends are real. Friends hear the good stuff, the bad stuff, and the in between. They love you through it all. If we want to strengthen our friendships with other moms, then we need to start out by being more real. We can't hold it all together and wear a mask that doesn't reflect who we authentically are, that is, without paying a very high price. The price of being fake is that we will be lonely women. We may have a list of networking acquaintances. Maybe we even have a bunch of gym class buddies that we wave to a few times a week; however, we will be lacking the core group needed for getting through most of life. Good friends know you on the inside and out. They value you just for being you.
It makes me think of the Winnie the Pooh friends. Rabbit is a grump, but his friends still value him. Eeyore is pessimistic and pensive, but his friends accept him for who he is. Tigger is the bounciest of all, but even Rabbit learns to love him with his bounces even more than without them. Piglet is timid and scared, but with his friends' help, he too can be brave like the rest of the clan. Owl is ostentatious and prideful, but his friends take him as wise. Kanga is strong and trusting and she helps hold them all together under Christopher Robin's great leadership. Little Roo is brave and adventurous and even when the rest of the gang treats him like he's too little to participate in the Heffalump Expedition, he forgives them. These are traits we need to have with our own friends: acceptance, trust, and forgiveness. We need to make sure we stick together and that we truly get to know one another. If you're friends with a super-mom, you can start by taking off your own cape and mask; when she sees that you're being real with her, maybe she'll do the same with you in return.
Labels: authenticity, friendship, moms, Winnie the Pooh
