Mariposa Kisses (aka Dianne's Blog)

When a friend goes through a tough time, remember to reach out to her, even in the awkward moments. It's always easy to shoot the breeze about favorite tv shows, to discuss next year's teacher picks, or to complain about how messy your house is. But what do you do about the friend with a terminally ill child? What about the one whose husband leaves her? How about the neighbor whose husband died a year ago, but she still grieves?

My challenge to you is direct and forthright: be a good friend. One of my close friends has a very sick child who is having surgery this weekend to remove serious tumors connected up with his incurable disease. Sometimes, I don't know how to help even though I want to be there for her. But today, my instincts kicked in as I listened to her, hugged her, and prayed with her. It can feel strange to enter into those private moments with other people, but it's worthwhile. That's what makes you a true friend.

When my neighbor lost her husband a year ago, we decided to show her we cared by serving her with love and assistance. When her backyard started going nuts, my husband went over to help her with the pipes. When her roof sprung a leak, my husband helped again. I shared one of my favorite devotional books with her that has helped me over the years. And whenever I'm at Sprout's I try to get an extra melon for the kids to walk over to her house.

Recently, I had to take the higher ground with another friend. We had texted a plethora of texts about this and that. But before long, we had gotten into a huge misunderstanding. I got incredibly hurt. She got unbelievably defensive. And weeks of confusion ensued. She ignored me. I reached out but felt betrayed and mistreated. And in the end, I felt all that I could do was to pray for our friendship, to apologize for my contribution, and to forgive her for her subsequent actions toward me.

The more I talk to moms and encounter REAL conversations, it seems that lots of women are incredibly lonely. I sometimes think that's because they are not willing to go deeper in their friendships. Being real means taking risks. It means that you might have to cry with someone over her incredibly sick child. You could be required to pray with someone over a lost loved one even though you don't usually pray out loud even by yourself. And ultimately you will be called to forgive her seven times seventy times if you want to be a great friend.

In the end, you'll see that it's worth all the work. You won't be lonely anymore. And you'll feel fulfilled knowing that you've spent your life being a good friend to others. Share your thoughts about friendship here! We'd love to hear from you. Keeping it real! :)

Labels: forgiveness, friendship, real

As moms, we tend to be so hard on ourselves. We usually don't expect other moms to be perfect, but for some insane reason, we want our lives to be so different from theirs. Maybe it's that we occasionally see the "perfect mom" (as if she's really out there) and we compare ourselves unfairly to her skin, to her paycheck, to her car, to her house, or to her family.

It's as if we're reverting to elementary school. Remember the days when you thought, "Oh if only I had that cool Atari game that so-and-so has?" Or, maybe you pined for Barbie's Dream-house or the entire set of Cabbage Patch dolls. I'm sure as a kid, you realized that you were actually happy without that next acquisition. But somehow as an adult, you linger for too long inside of that grave misconception.

At least, that's how I feel about myself sometimes. It's as if the commercials we see, the internet adds, and the billboards that follow us from one destination to the next all point to one depressing message: "You are not good enough unless you buy this or change that..." So, I'm here to remind you that you are fine just the way you are.

Recently, I hosted a birthday tea party for twelve ballerina fairies. I did my best to prepare the house the way I wanted it. The yard looked pretty good, except for those three things I just couldn't get done. The house looked nice but I wasn't able to clean it as well as I'd hoped. I put up most of the decorations I'd bought, but couldn't find time to put up the fuchsia pink streamers.

You see, the morning of the party, my middle kid snuggled into our bed at 5am asking me if I'd be at her t-ball game that morning. I told her I would have to skip it because I had to clean and decorate the house for the party. Thankfully, a few hours later, when we "officially" greeted the new day, I totally changed my mind about the whole thing.

I asked myself which I'd rather do: look like a Mrs. Cleaver perfect mom in front of my friends and relatives or support my daughter by cheering her on from the stands. Those additional two hours of sleep helped to clarify the matter; the choice was clear. I was going to the game.

I cheered like a psycho who was trying to develop laryngitis in one short hour. I hugged her. I put two Sesame Street band-aids on her elbow after she ate it while playing catcher. I told her the game wasn't official until there was blood. And I mingled with some other fans instead of mopping my kitchen floor. Instead of cleaning my downstairs bathroom. Instead of Windexing my sliding glass doors. Instead of sweeping my front porch.

My conclusion is twofold. I'm glad I made the choice that I did. But somehow, I'm still feeling self-conscious about what the other moms thought of me even though it's three days later. And I'm wondering why I care so much about what someone might have thought about my less than perfectly clean house. I'm also trying to convince myself that my true friends wouldn't judge me for how my house looked anyways.

The other thing about true friends is that as long as you serve them tasty food, they could care less about what your house looks like. So, that's what I did. I served hot dogs in a blanket, blue cheese and cranberry salad, broccoli and mushroom quiches, fresh strawberries and purple grapes, a plethora of cheeses and salami, heart-shaped cookies, lots of chocolate, and twelve different types of hot teas, along with apple juice for the kids.

So, if you are at a place where you are trying to be Mrs. Perfect by showing everyone how great you are, take a few days off. Instead of trying to look like "her" and act like "her" and drive what "she" drives, try to accept yourself for who you are; take a look at your own feet and try to enjoy the ones that God gave you. Take a deep breath and let go of the fabricated ideals that weigh you down.

I hope when others see me being real... they can relax and be themselves back to me as well. My make-up won't ever look like the magazines. My house will never have all the toys put away or all the frames dusted to perfection. Even after I sweep and mop, the kids seem to spill four cups of apple juice within two minutes anyways. My bathrooms refuse to stay clean even after using half of a container of Tilex. And my sweet Labrador sheds like she's trying to stuff a large pillow.

Here's the main challenge: enjoy who you are. And even though it's not easy for me, I'm trying to get better at it. I don't want to strive to be someone that I'm not. I want to be joyful for who I am now. I think getting a house-cleaner, a chauffeur, a cook, and a pet-groomer might help remove some of the pressure as well. But, for now, I'm gonna have to accept a more reasonable set of standards, so I can find peace with myself in the present.

Share your thoughts about what makes you comfortable in your own shoes. We'd love to hear from you. :)

Labels: acceptance, friendship, moms, parenthood

True friendship is a gift. It means having someone who accepts you as you are, but who loves you enough to challenge you to grow. A dear friend listens when you are steeped in despair without judging you or trying to change your mind about how you feel. She empathizes with gentleness while encouraging you towards a more hopeful perspective. She loves you even when you are without make-up, your clothes don't match, and you are still wearing your slippers at 10AM.

In return, you are there for her when she needs your hug and your tender words of kindness. When her marriage takes on new challenges, you listen to her story. You accept her differences and you value her strengths. One of you collects fruit trees. The other collects European tea cups. Your political views may differ. Your parenting styles may vary as well. But together you dream for bigger things. Together, you create a beautiful story.

Life's blessings and disappointments oscillate over time. One's parent is sick while the other's is healthy. Her child struggles through a particular season while your son is doing fine. She has a physical health challenge while you battle with various emotional issues. But, throughout the changing tides, you carry each other's burdens and you celebrate the good times as well. You're there to applaud her upcoming art exhibit and she celebrates your new book contract.

Over the years, you see that friendship is not a competition; rather, true friendship is a waltz. The two of you dance through life's stages in unison, though sometimes awkwardly. At times, you're not sure how to be the best friend. At other times, it flows so effortlessly. Being real. Being loving. Being vulnerable. These attributes allow the roots of friendship to grow deeper. It takes time and patience, but over the years, the investment of a genuine friendship reaps a harvest of healthy fruit.

Share about a true friendship in your life. What traits are most important to you? We'd love to hear from you.

Labels: family, friendship, love, pain

Letting go of the little things is essential if you want to be happy. Whether it's with your friends or with your spouse, you need to drop the small stuff. If a friend says something that seems offensive, try to give her the benefit of the doubt. Even if you're pretty sure she meant to be rude, let it go. "Let it go?" you might ask, "even if she intended to irritate me?" Yep! Even if she judged your financial status or insinuated that you have a messy house, it's worth it to move on.

What about your spouse? He can give off a skunk's share of grumpiness too. Like when he intentionally grunts under his breath to inform you that he hates your nagging. Or, when he slams a cupboard a bit harder than normal, just because he's had a bad day. Maybe your hubby just frustrates you because of his lack of follow-through. His socks might literally leap out of the laundry basket from shock if they ever ventured into the right bin. Maybe it chaps your hide when he leaves the milk out or doesn't put away the bread after making his sandwich. You know they're pretty small things though compared to how much he loves you and how he makes you laugh.

Letting stuff go applies to your kids as well. They can pack a surprising punch, even though they're little and cute. The other day, my kids told me that my sister's car was way cleaner than ours. The statement was truthful, but it still made me feel like a dork. Was it worth stewing over? Nope. Or, like the time my son said something about my tummy looking big. While his comment was slightly rude for a six-year-old, it wasn't worth hanging onto. I've actually been looking pretty good lately, so I wasn't gonna let my skinny little son's comment get me into a foul mood.

Whomever you find irritating, it's worth it to give a little bit of grace. Letting the small stuff go actually makes you happier and healthier. When you hold onto each comment or each act of frustration put upon you, you're the one that suffers. You feel the weight of the issue while the other person goes unaffected. While it might seem like you benefit somehow from stewing over a feisty remark, the truth is that it prevents you from having a joyful day.

Some things are actually worth digesting the heck out of, like a conversation that deals with your family's value system or a major upcoming decision involving a move or a job-change. Issues of faith and commitment are uber-important as well. But, most topics don't comply with the cost benefit analysis of a full-on blow-out. And even when the important topics are broached, they should still be evaluated with a grain of salt. Both parties should also incorporate a methodology that gives each person a fair turn to share his or her side of the story.

Obviously, topics involving extended family can tip the scales of user discretion and serenity. For example, someone says, "Your mom said such-and-such." Or another blurts out, "My sister was offended that you blah-blah-blah." They're relatively important scenarios, but not worthy enough to wreck an entire weekend. Even the upcoming holidays can bring on a variety of heated discussions. Will you travel for Turkey Day and Christmas or make the fam come to you? What will you work on before the holidays, the bathroom that's needed to be repainted for over a year now or the landscaping that's looking a little bit weathered? Will you serve turkey and ham or just ditch the messy kitchen scene and eat out instead?

The question you have to ask amidst all of these things with your friends, spouse, kids, and extended family is, "Will this matter in a week or two?" If the answer is "NO!" then you need to let it go. If it will seriously still be an issue after seven to fourteen days, you can at least sleep on it for a few days before raising the drama-level to a red alert. After a solid night's rest, if it's still putting a kink in your neck, then find a sensible time to discuss it with reasonable expectations of how it might be resolved. Remember to make respectful "I feel" statements instead of using "You always..." ones.

The result of dismissing inconsequential matters not only makes you happier and healthier, it gives you more time to work on other stuff. For example, you could bless someone else with an uplifting email or a relaxed phone call rather than a heated whining session. Think of the possibilities with your spouse. Instead of a one to two hour argument over whatever it was, you could do something else more interactive (use your imagination :)). The guys reading this post have just awoken from their slumbered state and are now attentive and enthusiastic. Just remember to keep things light this holiday season by extending grace to those you love.

Share how you've decided to chill out more about life's smaller details. We'd love to hear from you.

Labels: family, friendship, grace, happiness, holiday, spouse

As moms, we wear our game faces a lot. We do it because we feel we have to. We carry the weight of everyone else's burdens on our own shoulders, assuming, "If I don't do it, then who will?" Likewise, we wear a cape of protection around ourselves, so that we appear as if we can do it all. When other people see us, they assume, "Wow, she's amazing, I wish I could do it all like she does." The cape makes us feel super duper, so we put up our guards and we don't let others in. The problem with wearing the super-cape is that it limits the depth of our relationships. When one mom sees a super-mom, she thinks, "Well, I can't let her know what I'm really like because then she won't think I'm very great." This in turn hinders certain kinds of friendships, the deeper ones.

Likewise, super-moms feel they have to be tough all the time, carrying the world on their shoulders like Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged book cover. The truth is that no-one can carry the world besides God, and even He rested on the seventh day. When you are weak, you should just be weak. When you are struggling with your spouse, just be honest about it. If you are feeling like your kids are little nut-balls and you need a long vacation on an island all by yourself, call a close friend and talk about it. If your debts are overwhelming you and you just can't keep up with the Smiths anymore, then stop trying so hard. Let the image of perfectionism melt away so that you can get back to living life. You can't hold it all together by pretending; you will eventually tucker out.

When we wear our super-mom capes, we forget to be vulnerable with other moms. This makes us appear invincible but really makes us the exact opposite. A true friendship means you are there for each other during celebratory times and during trials. Recently a neighbor and I were chatting while the kids played out front. We connected emotionally over the loss of a friendship of hers, for the husband had passed away and the wife and kids had subsequently moved to another state. I comforted her while she shed gentle tears of sadness. We also talked about her mom who had passed away a few years back. Not too long ago, I shed tears with this same friend, tears of exhaustion and frustration over feeling like a failure as a parent. She listened and listened some more and reminded me of how no parent is perfect. The result was a stronger friendship for both of us. I know it because we had both taken off our super-mom capes.

Friends are real. Friends hear the good stuff, the bad stuff, and the in between. They love you through it all. If we want to strengthen our friendships with other moms, then we need to start out by being more real. We can't hold it all together and wear a mask that doesn't reflect who we authentically are, that is, without paying a very high price. The price of being fake is that we will be lonely women. We may have a list of networking acquaintances. Maybe we even have a bunch of gym class buddies that we wave to a few times a week; however, we will be lacking the core group needed for getting through most of life. Good friends know you on the inside and out. They value you just for being you.

It makes me think of the Winnie the Pooh friends. Rabbit is a grump, but his friends still value him. Eeyore is pessimistic and pensive, but his friends accept him for who he is. Tigger is the bounciest of all, but even Rabbit learns to love him with his bounces even more than without them. Piglet is timid and scared, but with his friends' help, he too can be brave like the rest of the clan. Owl is ostentatious and prideful, but his friends take him as wise. Kanga is strong and trusting and she helps hold them all together under Christopher Robin's great leadership. Little Roo is brave and adventurous and even when the rest of the gang treats him like he's too little to participate in the Heffalump Expedition, he forgives them. These are traits we need to have with our own friends: acceptance, trust, and forgiveness. We need to make sure we stick together and that we truly get to know one another. If you're friends with a super-mom, you can start by taking off your own cape and mask; when she sees that you're being real with her, maybe she'll do the same with you in return.

Labels: authenticity, friendship, moms, Winnie the Pooh

I looked at her face and couldn’t believe it was actually her. She was one of my best friends about five years ago. So many months had passed though since we’d even talked or emailed. I almost didn’t recognize her, which was kind of embarrassing. I didn’t want to offend her, as if I’d forgotten her name or something. Of course I knew her name. I called out, “Dianne, I can’t believe it’s you!”

I explained how I’d been so busy with my three kids. Then, we exchanged the typical conversational questions about how each other’s husband was doing and about what the kids were up to. Wow, the time had flown by like a couple of seconds. My friend looked so good. I couldn’t believe she was my same age. Her face was full of vivacity; likewise, she looked so physically fit and tan. I was especially impressed by her energy and zeal for life. Within a few minutes of talking, I observed her radiant self confidence and her refreshing optimism. We exchanged some details about mutual friends and our equally overloaded schedules. But, wow, I was so blown away with how great my friend looked that I could hardly focus on my own responses.

Those ten minutes in front of the mirror were truly a blessing. They allowed me to see that I didn’t have to be the lethargic and exhausted mom that I’d become. My life was about more than just serving my husband and my children. I was buried down there somewhere and had been for a number of years. Somehow, I’d let the piles of laundry, the mound of dirty dishes, and the plethora of days I’d gone without pampering myself, to define me as less valuable. My list of tasks had become about everyone else.

I was blessed that morning when I looked in the mirror and remembered who I was. I was beautiful, talented, and full of dreams. That didn’t have to end just because my life had changed so much. That day, I decided I was going to set up a date with my new friend, “me”. I committed to clear out some time to rediscover who I was in order to rekindle some of my own personal passions and talents.

Labels: friendship, motherhood