Mariposa Kisses (aka Dianne's Blog)

As Americans, most of us long to be gloriously happy. To achieve that goal, we each respond to an innate drive within to win the most stuff, to be number one at everything, and to acquire the most goods. Whether it's Happy Meal toys for the kids or bigger ones for the parents, we long to own more junk. And we want it to be the best and biggest and the most popular of all.

We often submit to a common misconception that if we could simply access or achieve "such and such," then joyful harmony would follow. For example, if that side of the wall that drives me nuts just gets repainted, then I'll love my house so much more. Or if my kids would simply clean up more of their own messes, I'd be a happier mom and wife. Perhaps if you get that raise at work, then you'll feel more valued.

Many of us feel like we'd be truly happy if we just had unlimited financial resources. Then we could buy the whole planet, but would we really be more satisfied? Some people feel like they'd have better self esteem if they just had a brand new wardrobe. A new car. A new spouse. A new house. A new job. A new dog. And a new pair of sunglasses to see the world through rosy pink lenses.

Similarly, we apply the "if this, then that" type of reasoning to close relationships: marriages, friendships, and extended family associations. We assume that if our spouse would just do this or that, then the marriage would be fabulous. If that friend would just listen better, we'd be so much closer. Maybe you blame your parents' busy schedules for their limited social involvement. If only they would spend more time with your kids, then all would be right with the world.

And it's not that some of these things aren't grounded in truth. Because some are just obviously true. I'd feel happier if lots of stuff went the way I wanted it to. But this idea that we can't be happy without obtaining these ends can tie us up into ridiculous knots. So we must stop to examine some of their claims along the way. If we really owned the most stuff, were the best at everything we did, and won everything we could possibly win, would we really end up so overwhelmingly blissful?

I think the answer is obvious: that we would not possess supernatural happiness. And yet, we play this game like we can't be happy inside of our own set of circumstances. We get lost in the ineffectual mantras of "If I were just prettier or smarter or richer or more successful like so-and-so..." which weigh us down and actually create discontentment.

To compare our stuff to someone else's treasure is neither reasonable nor effective. Why should you have everything that your neighbor has in the first place? Also, what good does it do to gripe over the stuff you can't have right now? Some would say that it allows you to be more vicious in your determination. Maybe it's the edge you need to climb to the top. Maybe if you long to win the Lotto enough, then it will eventually happen for you.

If that friend doesn't want to invest the time right now, then maybe you should just let her have it and bail out of the relationship as well. If she won't say sorry first, you should just write her off as a friend, right? Or perhaps, a state of contentedness right where you're at is the thing that will bring true happiness.

Today I freaked out at my daughter because she refused to quit adding toys to a pretend breakfast area she'd created. She wouldn't give me back the bin of books or Legos and I went ballistic. I got so upset because I was exhausted and couldn't do anything to make her listen to me.

I had started to believe that if I could just have a cleaner house, I would feel better about myself and happier in my countenance. But, the truth is that I ended up feeling like crap for having gotten so mad at my four-year-old. We do this with stuff too. If I just had the new car? The new job? The new relationship? The new vacation planned? And then those get dirty, old, and expired too.

When we waste too much time chasing the wind that can NOT be caught, we pay the price. So we need to pause to evaluate the kind of goals we want to have in the first place. Since "happiness" is most people's main aspiration in life, it seems reasonable to slow down to examine what that looks like for your particular family. Decide if money will truly make you happy.

Figure out which relationships are the most important. Being number one at your office might make you the best corporate climber but one of the worst possible dads. Which will make you happier? What about your home? Does it really have to look like it's out of a magazine for it to be good enough?

What if you just take a break to go and play with your kids even though it stays messy as a result? How about mopping just the messy spots rather than all of the floors so that you carve out some quality family time? The investment with the kids will likely produce the most satisfaction in the end.

Making sacrifices once you decide what truly makes you happy means that you'll miss out on some stuff and some public accolades as a result. You might not get the boat or the motor-home this year. You might have to wait for a new car and settle for a used one. You might have to give up the promotion if you're not willing to put in sixty hour work-weeks.

Similarly, you might have to be more gracious towards certain relationships and quit blaming their lack of success on everyone else. If that relationship is super important, then stop whining and invest in those people. If your relative has no time for you, offer to help him or her with one of their projects. Don't make excuses... "if only she or he would do this..." Get over yourself and go for the ultimate goal to be happy by making the right choices.

While feelings of happiness wax and wane depending on the kind of day we've each had, a state of relative contentment can be attained by taking some time out to evaluate what you really want in life. If your family, other close relationships, and faith come up on the top of the list, I think you're headed in the right direction.

And it doesn't mean you can't buy a new shirt or get a new hairdo. Nor does it mean you can't get that season sport's package or pick out some fun paint colors to spritz up the house. Just make sure your own happiness isn't contingent upon those acquisitions or accomplishments. Be content with what's staring you in the face. Share what makes you happy. We'd love to hear from you! :)

Labels: happiness, kids, parents