Mariposa Kisses (aka Dianne's Blog)

As Americans, most of us long to be gloriously happy. To achieve that goal, we each respond to an innate drive within to win the most stuff, to be number one at everything, and to acquire the most goods. Whether it's Happy Meal toys for the kids or bigger ones for the parents, we long to own more junk. And we want it to be the best and biggest and the most popular of all.

We often submit to a common misconception that if we could simply access or achieve "such and such," then joyful harmony would follow. For example, if that side of the wall that drives me nuts just gets repainted, then I'll love my house so much more. Or if my kids would simply clean up more of their own messes, I'd be a happier mom and wife. Perhaps if you get that raise at work, then you'll feel more valued.

Many of us feel like we'd be truly happy if we just had unlimited financial resources. Then we could buy the whole planet, but would we really be more satisfied? Some people feel like they'd have better self esteem if they just had a brand new wardrobe. A new car. A new spouse. A new house. A new job. A new dog. And a new pair of sunglasses to see the world through rosy pink lenses.

Similarly, we apply the "if this, then that" type of reasoning to close relationships: marriages, friendships, and extended family associations. We assume that if our spouse would just do this or that, then the marriage would be fabulous. If that friend would just listen better, we'd be so much closer. Maybe you blame your parents' busy schedules for their limited social involvement. If only they would spend more time with your kids, then all would be right with the world.

And it's not that some of these things aren't grounded in truth. Because some are just obviously true. I'd feel happier if lots of stuff went the way I wanted it to. But this idea that we can't be happy without obtaining these ends can tie us up into ridiculous knots. So we must stop to examine some of their claims along the way. If we really owned the most stuff, were the best at everything we did, and won everything we could possibly win, would we really end up so overwhelmingly blissful?

I think the answer is obvious: that we would not possess supernatural happiness. And yet, we play this game like we can't be happy inside of our own set of circumstances. We get lost in the ineffectual mantras of "If I were just prettier or smarter or richer or more successful like so-and-so..." which weigh us down and actually create discontentment.

To compare our stuff to someone else's treasure is neither reasonable nor effective. Why should you have everything that your neighbor has in the first place? Also, what good does it do to gripe over the stuff you can't have right now? Some would say that it allows you to be more vicious in your determination. Maybe it's the edge you need to climb to the top. Maybe if you long to win the Lotto enough, then it will eventually happen for you.

If that friend doesn't want to invest the time right now, then maybe you should just let her have it and bail out of the relationship as well. If she won't say sorry first, you should just write her off as a friend, right? Or perhaps, a state of contentedness right where you're at is the thing that will bring true happiness.

Today I freaked out at my daughter because she refused to quit adding toys to a pretend breakfast area she'd created. She wouldn't give me back the bin of books or Legos and I went ballistic. I got so upset because I was exhausted and couldn't do anything to make her listen to me.

I had started to believe that if I could just have a cleaner house, I would feel better about myself and happier in my countenance. But, the truth is that I ended up feeling like crap for having gotten so mad at my four-year-old. We do this with stuff too. If I just had the new car? The new job? The new relationship? The new vacation planned? And then those get dirty, old, and expired too.

When we waste too much time chasing the wind that can NOT be caught, we pay the price. So we need to pause to evaluate the kind of goals we want to have in the first place. Since "happiness" is most people's main aspiration in life, it seems reasonable to slow down to examine what that looks like for your particular family. Decide if money will truly make you happy.

Figure out which relationships are the most important. Being number one at your office might make you the best corporate climber but one of the worst possible dads. Which will make you happier? What about your home? Does it really have to look like it's out of a magazine for it to be good enough?

What if you just take a break to go and play with your kids even though it stays messy as a result? How about mopping just the messy spots rather than all of the floors so that you carve out some quality family time? The investment with the kids will likely produce the most satisfaction in the end.

Making sacrifices once you decide what truly makes you happy means that you'll miss out on some stuff and some public accolades as a result. You might not get the boat or the motor-home this year. You might have to wait for a new car and settle for a used one. You might have to give up the promotion if you're not willing to put in sixty hour work-weeks.

Similarly, you might have to be more gracious towards certain relationships and quit blaming their lack of success on everyone else. If that relationship is super important, then stop whining and invest in those people. If your relative has no time for you, offer to help him or her with one of their projects. Don't make excuses... "if only she or he would do this..." Get over yourself and go for the ultimate goal to be happy by making the right choices.

While feelings of happiness wax and wane depending on the kind of day we've each had, a state of relative contentment can be attained by taking some time out to evaluate what you really want in life. If your family, other close relationships, and faith come up on the top of the list, I think you're headed in the right direction.

And it doesn't mean you can't buy a new shirt or get a new hairdo. Nor does it mean you can't get that season sport's package or pick out some fun paint colors to spritz up the house. Just make sure your own happiness isn't contingent upon those acquisitions or accomplishments. Be content with what's staring you in the face. Share what makes you happy. We'd love to hear from you! :)

Labels: happiness, kids, parents

Letting go of the little things is essential if you want to be happy. Whether it's with your friends or with your spouse, you need to drop the small stuff. If a friend says something that seems offensive, try to give her the benefit of the doubt. Even if you're pretty sure she meant to be rude, let it go. "Let it go?" you might ask, "even if she intended to irritate me?" Yep! Even if she judged your financial status or insinuated that you have a messy house, it's worth it to move on.

What about your spouse? He can give off a skunk's share of grumpiness too. Like when he intentionally grunts under his breath to inform you that he hates your nagging. Or, when he slams a cupboard a bit harder than normal, just because he's had a bad day. Maybe your hubby just frustrates you because of his lack of follow-through. His socks might literally leap out of the laundry basket from shock if they ever ventured into the right bin. Maybe it chaps your hide when he leaves the milk out or doesn't put away the bread after making his sandwich. You know they're pretty small things though compared to how much he loves you and how he makes you laugh.

Letting stuff go applies to your kids as well. They can pack a surprising punch, even though they're little and cute. The other day, my kids told me that my sister's car was way cleaner than ours. The statement was truthful, but it still made me feel like a dork. Was it worth stewing over? Nope. Or, like the time my son said something about my tummy looking big. While his comment was slightly rude for a six-year-old, it wasn't worth hanging onto. I've actually been looking pretty good lately, so I wasn't gonna let my skinny little son's comment get me into a foul mood.

Whomever you find irritating, it's worth it to give a little bit of grace. Letting the small stuff go actually makes you happier and healthier. When you hold onto each comment or each act of frustration put upon you, you're the one that suffers. You feel the weight of the issue while the other person goes unaffected. While it might seem like you benefit somehow from stewing over a feisty remark, the truth is that it prevents you from having a joyful day.

Some things are actually worth digesting the heck out of, like a conversation that deals with your family's value system or a major upcoming decision involving a move or a job-change. Issues of faith and commitment are uber-important as well. But, most topics don't comply with the cost benefit analysis of a full-on blow-out. And even when the important topics are broached, they should still be evaluated with a grain of salt. Both parties should also incorporate a methodology that gives each person a fair turn to share his or her side of the story.

Obviously, topics involving extended family can tip the scales of user discretion and serenity. For example, someone says, "Your mom said such-and-such." Or another blurts out, "My sister was offended that you blah-blah-blah." They're relatively important scenarios, but not worthy enough to wreck an entire weekend. Even the upcoming holidays can bring on a variety of heated discussions. Will you travel for Turkey Day and Christmas or make the fam come to you? What will you work on before the holidays, the bathroom that's needed to be repainted for over a year now or the landscaping that's looking a little bit weathered? Will you serve turkey and ham or just ditch the messy kitchen scene and eat out instead?

The question you have to ask amidst all of these things with your friends, spouse, kids, and extended family is, "Will this matter in a week or two?" If the answer is "NO!" then you need to let it go. If it will seriously still be an issue after seven to fourteen days, you can at least sleep on it for a few days before raising the drama-level to a red alert. After a solid night's rest, if it's still putting a kink in your neck, then find a sensible time to discuss it with reasonable expectations of how it might be resolved. Remember to make respectful "I feel" statements instead of using "You always..." ones.

The result of dismissing inconsequential matters not only makes you happier and healthier, it gives you more time to work on other stuff. For example, you could bless someone else with an uplifting email or a relaxed phone call rather than a heated whining session. Think of the possibilities with your spouse. Instead of a one to two hour argument over whatever it was, you could do something else more interactive (use your imagination :)). The guys reading this post have just awoken from their slumbered state and are now attentive and enthusiastic. Just remember to keep things light this holiday season by extending grace to those you love.

Share how you've decided to chill out more about life's smaller details. We'd love to hear from you.

Labels: family, friendship, grace, happiness, holiday, spouse

I felt relieved earlier today while spreading peanut butter onto a piece of toast. I was freaked out to see that the toaster oven was on fire, but was glad that I'd looked down when I did; the three inch flame that danced the Salsa was manageable. Thankfully, I was able to blow it out with relative ease, avoiding its attack on the rest of my kitchen.

A few minutes later, I was summoned by my six-year-old son to fish out the toilet paper holder from the poop-filled toilet in our downstairs bathroom. I'm not sure how he dropped it in the first place, but that's another topic. At least the toilet paper holder didn't get flushed down, which saved me a trip to Lowe's.

By the end of the month, we usually don't sit on an excess of cash, but at least we are able to pay all of our bills. Likewise, we have a generous amount of food decorating our fridge and cupboards, even if we are having eggs and pancakes for dinner towards the end. Additionally, our cars aren't in perfect shape, but I'm grateful that they're both running. The cup is half full because we always have enough to get by.

All in all, our family is blessed with good health as well, aside from some minor conditions such as our son's allergies and asthma. Likewise, my husband is plagued with a bad back and I'm unpleasantly hit with irritable bowel syndrome from time to time. But, primarily, we all check in with a clean bill of health. Things could always be worse.

Seeing the glass half full can be tricky at times. When someone is jobless, he pines for a new one right away, but maybe his glass is half full with a beautiful and loving family. In contrast, for the secure income-earner, it could be a recent divorce that plagues him with feelings of eternal loneliness.

When the glass is half full, it also means it's half empty. But, seeing the fullness of life is what helps you to have a good life. If you spend time worrying principally about what you don't have rather than contemplating your many blessings, you won't feel happy.

Eventually, the fire will get blown out. The treasure in the toilet will get fished out. The monetary needs will be met, even if it means you have to cut back elsewhere or downsize from previous luxuries. Your health might be less than perfect, but it is likely better than a lot of other people's. If you are jobless, you will eventually find something else or start your own business instead. If your singleness is making your glass half empty, you might make someone else's half full by reaching out to them.

If all else fails, put on some good jazz music and pour yourself half of a glass of Merlot or some full-bodied coffee. You can't go wrong with half a glass of either one of those.

Labels: family, happiness, moms